My psychiatrist let me know about a new study that came out setting the suicide rate for people with bipolar disorder at around 3%. She was happy telling me this because previous studies determined the suicide rate at 33%. I am not sure the conditions that went into each study. But I sure prefer the 3% rate!

Suicide is a real concern for many people with bipolar disorder, including me. Depression (and cycling, psychotic symptoms, etc) can lead to suicidal thoughts, acts, and even completion. For me, depression can be similar to a complete personality change. I’m normally an optimist and a happy person, yet when I’m depressed, I believe I have no future. I assume I will always be in pain, alienated and distraught. I’m a hindrance to all of those around me. My death would free my family of my burden allowing them to live happier. Anything that appeared good in my life (my marriage, friends, job, interests, etc) is a sham and everyone would be better if I was just not around. I start to believe that God wants me to die because I couldn’t imagine why he would give me this disease otherwise. By this time, my vision has changed and my peripheral vision seems dark. Colors appear muted and my depth perception has left me. Hallucinations scare and disorient me and it seems clear that I am fatally flawed.

All these things are completely different from how I live my life when I’m euthymic (normal), but they’re present when I’m depressed. Because of these, I’ve experienced many suicide thoughts when depressed. I even attempted it twice many years ago.

The new study is incredibly reassuring. Bipolar disorder is always intense, stressful, life changing and labor intensive. Yet it doesn’t seem as doom-and-gloom ominous. A fifteen, twenty, or thirty-three percent suicide rate is downright terrifying, horrifying and tragic. By all means, 3% is still awful, but I’d rather be able to say approximately 1 out of 33 of my peers will fatally succumb to this disease rather than 1 of 3. There is more hope and reassurance now that my peers and I have a much better prognosis than once thought!

I want to note that, through my years of bipolar treatment, I have many strategies to combat my disease, especially depression. I take my medication 100% of the time. If I’ve breathed oxygen during the day, then I’ve also taken my medication. No exceptions. It’s amazing how much that helps just by itself! I’m open and honest with my psychiatrist which has lead to us finding the right meds for me. I am very careful about getting the right amount of sleep. Too little leads me to hallucinations and cycling, while too much sets me up for depression. I don’t let myself get too HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). I do not drink alcohol or do drugs. I’m honest and forthright about my symptoms with a small group of people that I use as a support net. I keep up with my other doctors. Even a cold or medication for my asthma can derail me. I live a full life that makes me happy. I have fun! These are just a few examples of what I do on a normal basis to take care of myself so that I don’t go into a depression and if I do, its not as dismal or long as it otherwise would be. If I do get depressed, there are ways to bounce back quicker and easier.

Suicide can be (it doesn’t have to be) an awful and tragic result of bipolar disorder. However, I am so happy to hear that it happens FAR less than once thought!!!

Good evening folks!
A few weeks ago I took steroids to combat my acute asthma problems. I was concerned the steroids would trigger cycling (going up and down) in me. I did indeed experience mania as a result. Part of me wants to say “WOW! I felt perfectly euphoric and in heaven!” because, frankly, that’s how I felt. Yet I know mania, despite being AMAZING, is horribly dangerous. What goes up must come down. I came down from that high a few days later semi-thankfully. Since then I’ve had lingering mood changes. I get a little “too happy” at odd times and become so irritable at other times that it takes all my willpower not to verbally and physically lash out. At those times I can almost imagine half my body shooting forward automatically in an attack fashion while the other half struggles to restrain the attack and pull back. My irritability is like a primitive beast clawing its way out from within me to growl and shred whatever is in front of me. I’ve been struggling to be appropriate and kind in hopes of appearing normal and not being rude. *Sigh* It’s refreshing to be able to type this out!

I am breathing wonderfully, thanks to the steroids! But, weeks later, I’m still having trouble with cycling. At times it’s mild enough to pretend its not there. At other times it takes enormous strength to subdue. All in all, its milder than my worst cycling so I try to get through it under the assumption that it will go away. I hope it does, but for right now the ups, downs, lefts, and rights eat away at me. My stress is heightened and my serenity is decreased. Bipolar disorder is not an exact science. We never know exactly the path the symptoms will take. This frustrates me because I want to flip a switch to turn off my disease. All I can do is continue doing what I need to be doing (meds, therapy, sleep, etc.) and hope for a quick end to this madness.

I was scouring the internet for any new bipolar information that looks hopeful or that slipped my mind. I found some information that peaked my interest. The shocking part is that most of us bipolar folk have dealt with this. Most? Really? Yup. So it’s my guess that if you’re bipolar, you’ve probably dealt with this too… Read about it here.

Happy New Year!!!

I hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year!

I’m grateful for the past year. There was plenty of joy, laughter, inspiration, acceptance, understanding, challenge, peace, hope, friends, family, opportunity, success, and more. No year would be complete without experience that I could learn from. There were also plenty of areas for growth because of stress due to sweating the small stuff, illness (bipolar and general), isolation, complacency, selfishness, fear, unhealthy eating, etc.

I’m also excited and looking forward to the upcoming year for the opportunity to make my life fuller and contribute to other people’s well being! I hope my blog can make at least one person more hopeful (c: I want to be of service to others and get out of my own crazy head. I want to be even more aware and proactive of my bipolar disorder. That means I have to be vigilant of taking care of myself daily, while being open and willing to accept medication and lifestyle changes that my psychiatrist suggests. I want to lose weight and be healthier. Everyone says that, so I am going to sit down and write out a plan of action of how I’d like to get that done (then do it). Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I’d like to progress my career, starting with putting more effort into being the best employee I can be at my current job. I want to be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend, patient, etc. I want to be open to change, not afraid or resistant to it. I want to treat myself with love and care. After all, I tend to treat myself the worst of all. I want to have more faith, not just belief, in God and my fellows.

There is much more of course, but I’ll stick to that for now. Living as a bipolar woman, there is always a certain level of fear and apprehension of the year ahead. I hope for a year with the illness in check and the strength to take right action should symptoms arise. Additionally, I look forward to opportunities to make my life better and the courage to take the appropriate actions.

I also hope to contribute to others’ lives by being there during a rough time for a friend or even a stranger or by writing an entry you can relate to. Have a wonderful, healthy, inspiring, productive, and blessed new year!

Innosta

Hello again! I spoke with my asthma doctor and psychiatrist and the consensus is for me to take a form of steroids for my asthma. It’s the right thing to do though it makes me very nervous. I guess that getting oxygen is slightly important if I want to keep writing this blog (c: But it also means that now I’m stuck in a waiting game during which I need to monitor my bipolar symptoms. Yes, steroids can make bipolar disorder go haywire. However, I can watch myself, paying strict attention to my mood, how much or little energy I have, my sleep patterns, hallucinations or other psychotic symptoms, etc. and make note of any potential symptoms. Thus, I’ll keep in touch with my psychiatrist and be able to catch any potential problems early. With any luck, there will be none. I’m a realist, though, and try to be proactive. Medication can be altered easily, but trying to stop the bipolar train once its began can be extremely difficult and disastrous. Remaining vigilant now and being prepared for anything can save me from hell later (literally). Time to start keeping my eyes open!

The good news that will come of this: I’ll be able to breathe in a few days! Woohoo!

Hello! Like many others, I have other healthy problems than bipolar disorder. I have asthma (illness and exercise induced). I have a bad reputation for ignoring my symptoms in hope they’ll just go away like a typical cold. Sometimes that works, but not this time. My asthma is giving me enough problems at the moment that I should and have started trying to seek treatment. Here is the thing: ideally the main treatment for asthma is taking steroids. The problem: steroids are very destabilizing for people who have bipolar disorder. VERY destabilizing. In the past, steroids have made me very manic (fully manic, not hypomanic) and caused major psychotic symptoms. The number, intensity, and detail of my hallucinations skyrocket. As is common for me, after I get manic for several weeks, I crash into a deep suicidal depression that has landed me in the psychiatric wing of a hospital. Fun stuff, right? Not so much. Needless to say, I cannot start steroids for my asthma. This frustrates me because without steroids, my asthmatic illness goes on for a lot longer, meaning my painful and uncomfortable symptoms do too. Thank God I have wonderful doctors who work together to figure out an effective treatment. Eventually I get better. Today’s additional problem is that my primary care doctor, psychiatrist, and asthma doctor are all out of the office for the holiday! UGHHH!

Medication interactions and side effects are something we all have unfortunately. I believe its a worthwhile price to pay in order to live a stable, happy life. Who knows what treatments will be available in the future to increase our stability with less negative effects. Right now I’m frustrated because the quick fix is unavailable for me just like others with bipolar disorder have experienced the juggling of diseases and treatments. But the end result for me is that I’ll eventually get treated in one way or another and will be able to go on with my life as if I was healthy all along. I’m grateful for that (dangit!).

Happy Holidays,
Innosta

I used to think I was a permanent freak (Thank God I’ve changed my mind!). Check it out!

Hello. I’m a bit down at the moment and have been for the better part of this week. Just a note: I always use the word “down” when I mean depressed and “up” when I mean hypomanic or manic. Its getting late and I was thinking of going to bed. I was thinking of this page and wanting to translate how I’m feeling into typed words. Yet I have this overriding thought it my head that keeps telling me that if I write something while depressed, I’ll end up humiliating myself. I’ll write sentences that won’t make sense, my grammar will mirror that of a 2nd grader, I’ll sound whiny or stupid (and feel like I am whiny and stupid), etc. The resulting conclusion is always that I’m a loser, deluding myself that anything I do is worthwhile, and a perennial failure. I’m not too depressed that I truly believe these statements, but I am down enough that I’m spending a lot of energy fighting them off.

This is one of the things my depression does to me. It tears me apart, forcing me to believe everything that’s negative until I’m paralyzed with no self worth and a fair amount of paranoia. It puts words and thoughts into other people’s mouths and minds that were never actually there in the first place. My disease just tells me they’re there and the illness weakens me enough to believe it. When it gets really bad, my thoughts go to the other extreme, believing that getting rid of myself will actually help those I care about. I’m not there, thank God. I have been in the past and I may be in the future. But for right now, I’m not even close. However, I do feel as if I am underwater in a swimming pool with a hand pushing down my head, preventing me from reaching the surface to gasp for fresh air and the reality-enlightening sunshine. I’ve found that my depression isn’t something that lifts when I want it to. I need to do the work in order to get to the surface.

In the meantime, I wrote the above honestly. This is where I’m at Friday evening on the 16th of December. The above may make no sense, be written with horrible grammar, expose me as whiny and stupid, etc. Nonetheless, its a step in the right direction. I’m posting about emotions and fears that I may have been too fearful to communicate. I’m writing in a state where I feel blurry, lost and confused (as I often feel while depressed). Usually I wait for more clarity. Today I just hope you understand what I’m writing. The thick fog prevents me from thinking in a linear fashion. I just hope what came out makes at least a little sense. I’m exposing myself to an extent. I feel all of this is like taking a jab at my illness.

Good night

Hello! I’m working on adding a section about me. While I was writing, I realized how amazing it is that one could go through so many struggles and chaos in just a short period of time. Its almost as if the material around life stretches to accommodate all that a person goes through. The blessing in this is that it stretches to include all experience, including the positives that heal and make life worthwhile and joyful.

I always find it amazing how much working on all areas of my health (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional) drastically affects my overall well-being.  By practicing a holistic approach to health, my mood, body, spirit, my complete being is that much more content and relaxed. Of course, that’s only if I take action.  Next actions to take care of myself?  Take a nap, hit the gym, kiss my husband, eat a healthy dinner.

Peace,

Innosta